


The Winner Takes It All

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Action/Adventure, Comedy, Friendship, Hogwarts Era, The Quidditch Pitch: From Diagon Alley to Hogwarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-07-21
Updated: 2006-07-21
Packaged: 2018-10-27 17:55:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10813908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: What do you get when you add together Neville, ABBA, Ronata and Harriet, Georgia O'Keeffe, and the wizarding world's Audrey II? Well, something like this.





	The Winner Takes It All

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

  
Author's notes: For [Minerva McTabby](http://mctabby.livejournal.com/)'s "Blame Each Other" mini-fest, written for [UnderLucius](http://underlucius.livejournal.com/) who made me write, "Neville's experiments with the Mimbulus Mimbletonia lead to Harry and Ron becoming Harriet and Ronata, the best double act singers since Abba." Eee, yep. Title from ABBA, naturally.  


* * *

It wasn't so much that Neville thought he'd never pull any girls ever. He'd just got tired of all the jokes about his wand ("Oh, _cherry_ wood, is it? A _unicorn hair_ core, too?"), and was well-aware that the female population at Hogwarts was notoriously closed-legged. The male half, of course, would have been easier, had Neville any proclivities in that direction (All right, so perhaps he did, but he wasn't about to admit _that_ out loud). So, he came up with a plan. 

A devious plan. 

A _masterful_ plan. 

Masterful, that is, if your definition of masterful involves losing your virginity to a boy as hard up as you, by transforming said other boy into a girl through the wonders of Herbology. And perhaps offering up yourself to the same treatment in order to sweeten the deal. 

Since that happened to mesh with Neville's definition, the plan was indeed masterful. _Brilliant_ , even. 

He just had to decide on the boy. 

 

***

Being Professor Sprout's star pupil had its advantages, once he was able to get over the Hufflepuffs coming after him with pitchforks for taking away the only favouritism Hogwarts allowed them. Badgers were _tenacious_ , after all, but it wasn't Neville's fault he happened to be born with two green thumbs along with his two left feet. At any rate, once the Hufflepuffs mostly got over it, he was able to see where being a teacher's pet came in handy: 

Private greenhouses. 

There, Neville was able to privately cultivate his Mimbulus Mimbletonia, Mindy, into something never seen before in science or nature. She was a thing of beauty, she was, all lush leaves and thick stem, grey pus just barely dribbling out of full pods, always at the ready. Sprout had licked her dry lips the first time she'd seen Neville's "special project" and told him she'd never seen a plant with such shiny leaves and ethereal beauty. Then again, she'd never had much exposure to the Muggle world, so perhaps she wouldn't have felt so distinctly uncomfortable around Mindy had she more exposure to Georgia O'Keeffe. 

Neville grew more and more giddy as each day passed, stroking Mindy as she crooned gently from her table in Greenhouse 4. Of course, he still had to find a willing subject for his experiment, but he figured the answer would come to him sooner or later -- he just didn't expect it to happen so literally. 

"Oi, Neville!" someone shouted as the door to the greenhouse flew open. "We've got a question for you!" There, sunlight streaming in behind them, stood Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, overstuffed packs strapped to both of their backs and looking a bit dirt-streaked and world-weary. Neville blinked, shocked to see them after months of them having gone underground (to fight Voldemort, Neville heard, and he knew somehow that that was correct information), and that split-second of shock was enough to make everything go pear-shaped. 

"Wait, stop!" he cried as they both charged into the room. 

But it was too late. Mindy, agitated that her latest leaf rub had been interrupted, started to spew pus at an alarming rate, coating everything in sight, including the other projects, the tables, the spades, the empty pots, and Harry and Ron -- everything, it seemed, except Neville, who'd somehow escaped this slimy fate. He figured he was simply too close to Mindy at the time of the explosion, though it was also possible his plant had a crush on its cultivator and had taken care to avoid him. Things in the Wizarding World could be strange that way. 

Neville sheepishly raked his fingers through his dry hair, eyeing his two soaked friends. "It won't hurt you -- exactly." 

"What do you mean, exactly?" asked Harry. 

But no explanations were necessary. 

Ron and Harry both doubled over, emitting twin groans that made Neville wince. He watched, fascinated, as their hair grew longer, eyes grew wider, lips turned poutier; their waists tapered as hips and thighs thickened, and when they both finally straightened up again, both boys -- er, girls -- shrugged out of their rucksacks and coats, revealing breasts that neither had had before. 

"Bloody hell," Ron breathed, staring at Harry. Neville privately agreed; Harry was _stacked_ , though Ron had a certain statuesque beauty that was also rather appealing. 

"Er," said Neville helpfully. 

Harry blinked, long lashes lingering against rounder, pinker cheeks. "What happened?" 

Neville gestured at Mindy, who was crooning and seeming very pleased with herself. "My Mimbulus can-- I'll, er, I'll undo it. I just need--" 

"No!" said Ron, shaking his...her head. "I feel great! Better than I have in months." 

Harry beamed at them as though he'd -- she'd -- been hit with a hundred Cheering Charms. "Same here. In fact," he -- er, she -- said, striking a pose, "I feel like _singing_!" 

"Karaoke!" Ron cried enthusiastically. 

They both flounced out of the greenhouse, leaving their things and a bewildered Neville in their wake. 

"I knew I shouldn't have used those glitter berries in your fertilizer," muttered Neville as Mindy hummed something sinisterly...retro. And _Swedish_. 

 

***

Neville tried not to look too guilty when Hermione finally came looking for him. As it was, she was rather confused by Ron and Harry's new insistence they be called Ronata and Harriet in accordance with their new gender roles, and even more so by their insistence that Horcrux hunting was 'so last month' and that 'disco' was 'the new black.' Still, she felt it was important to keep up the good fight, so she holed up in the Hogwarts libraries, occasionally taking audience with Professor Dumbledore's portrait while newspaper stories filtered in about the new-fangled music that was climbing its way up the charts. 

Hermione looked at these articles in disgust, mumbling that what Ronata and Harriet were doing wasn't anything that something called 'Björn Again' wasn't doing ten years ago, but Neville didn't quite understand this. See, besides a lack of Georgia O'Keeffe in their lives, wizards were also deprived of most Muggle music. They'd never seen anything like ABBA -- or, as Harriet and Ronata were called, BAAB -- and being generally out-of-step with pop culture, these covers were brand spanking new to them. Suddenly, "Fernando" was knocking Celestina Warbeck down to #2 on the Adult Contemporary Wireless Charts, while the younger set couldn't get enough of "Dancing Queen." Nothing like it had been seen in years, and the fact that half of the duo was Harry Potter in drag didn't seem to hurt much. 

Still, Neville felt that if Ron and Harry -- Ronata and Harriet, he corrected himself -- were happier this way, than he would be happy for them until such a time when that whole pesky Voldemort situation had to be dealt with. So while Hermione spotted location after location, Neville studied hard for his N.E.W.T.s and looked forward to leaving school, collecting clippings and occasionally nicking shimmery eyeshadow and shiny lip gloss from the Gryffindor girls (Lavender, for one, was continually mourning her depleted supply, but as her brain was so light that it'd float away under less skulled-in circumstances, no one thought anything was amiss). As it happened, pink wasn't exactly his colour, but he looked smashing in green -- something to do with Herbology, he figured. 

Finally, about two days before the end of school, heavily decorated envelopes were delivered to most of the older Gryffindors, along with some of the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs, and, surprisingly, Goyle, Crabbe, Zabini, and Parkinson of Slytherin, inviting them all to something called 'BAAB's Big Bang.' Ginny grumbled, still disgruntled about her new older sister and newly female ex-boyfriend, but most of the tables buzzed with excitement. With the war on, even in its now-reduced capacity, it would be nice to have a fun escape. 

Hermione, however, told Neville that she planned on making Harry and Ron drop this nonsense immediately, and would be taking along her half-year's worth of research and a few objects she'd located in the interim. 

 

***

The concert was a lively affair. The music was sort of insipid in Neville's opinion, but he could see the appeal. Boys, girls, men, women, and even some magical creatures all clamoured to get a piece of Ronata and Harriet. Neville _definitely_ saw the appeal there; not many women could carry off so many thousand sequins but BAAB was an exception. Plus, Hermione had told Neville that the green eyeshadow he wore to his Gran's consternation really brought out the gold flecks in his eyes. He would have considered the night a success even without the backstage passes. 

Still, once he made his way past the security staff, bumping into Luna Lovegood along the way, he was hardly expecting to see He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, along with Lucius Malfoy, eagerly gushing over the two songstresses. 

Ronata guided Lucius to a chair and plopped down on his lap. Neville just couldn't understand what was happening, and his hand was already on his wand before he could hear Ronata say into Lucius's ear, "You're so _blond_! Are you Swedish? I love the Swedes." 

"No!" hissed Luna into Neville's ear, her hand on his shoulder stopping him from charging forward. Apparently, she'd sussed out the situation faster than him, but that was hardly a surprise; she was, after all, a Ravenclaw, and Neville was hardly the sharpest knife in the drawer. 

"Would you like an autograph?" he heard Harriet say to Voldemort. 

"Oh, I'm your _biggest_ fan," gushed Voldemort, looking a little crazed and starry-eyed as he held out BAAB's first -- and, as it would turn out, only -- album. 

Harriet grinned and signed the album with a flourish. A giant snake slithered in and wound its way around Harriet and Voldemort's legs, hissing in an almost friendly manner. 

To Neville's further surprise, Hermione quietly pulled her research-stuffed rucksack off her back and tossed him an ornate cup. Next, she threw a wand to Luna, and finally pulled a locket out, keeping that for herself. Nearby, Harriet and Ronata flirted madly; Neville noticed Harriet nod at Hermione. 

"Now, Harry?" she asked, sounding a bit nervous. 

"NOW!" Harry shouted. 

Hermione threw down the locket and shouted, " _REDUCTO_ ," destroying not only the charm, but also three square feet of the concrete floor. A ghostly green wisp of smoke disappeared, but Neville barely noticed it as Luna threw down the wand and did the same -- nearly taking off Neville's feet in the process. He finally got the hint, and tossed the cup into one of the holes in the floor, not bothering with nervousness as he destroyed the third item. Yellow smoke floated away lazily. It was almost pretty. 

Well, pretty when compared to the now sliced and diced giant snake, and bloodied corpses of Lord Voldemort and Lucius Malfoy. Neville made a squeaking noise. 

Harry shrugged at everyone and pulled his wig off, digging into his dress to pull out two very realistic falsies. Ron climbed off of Malfoy and did the same. 

Neville gaped. "What just happened here?" he asked. 

"Subliminal messages," Harry said, nodding at the blissful expressions on the dead Malfoy and Dark Lord's faces. "Hermione researched everything while Ron and I toured the country, rounding up the pieces of Voldemort's soul and bringing the music of ABBA wherever we went. Thanks to subtle messages about Death Eaters in the songs, we made these two our biggest fans. Then, we lured them here. We couldn't have done this --" he gestured at the room's destruction "-- without a hit record." 

Neville blinked. 

"That's very convoluted," Luna observed in her usual honest way. 

Hermione smiled. "Yes, well, when has anything happened to us that wasn't terribly convoluted?" 

"And we have Neville to thank for that," said Ron, grinning at him an unsettling way. 

"Yes, and we have _just_ the way to thank him," Harry said, beaming and flashing a lot of leg. 

Neville swallowed hard at that. "But the effects of the Mimbletonia...?" 

Ron scoffed. "Wore off months ago." 

"Hope that doesn't bother you," Harry said, leering at him again. 

Neville shook his head as Hermione wisely dragged Luna out of the room. 

And that's the story of how Neville Longbottom lost his virginity to Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, admitted that he was attracted to women _and_ men (especially men dressed as women), and led to the destruction of Voldemort, with the help of some pus and classic disco. 

...What do you mean that doesn't sound plausible? Oh, like _Goblet of Fire_ made any more sense. 

**END**

 


End file.
